Giving Love...

Are you feeling as if no matter how much love, affection, understanding you shower on your man, you NEVER get what you want or deserve in return? Always trying to DO little things to SHOW him much you love, adore and care for him? Yet, no matter how much love, how hard you try, no matter what you say or do, you are NOT receiving the Love, Affection, Adoration or Attention you want and really do deserve? In fact, what you may be feeling in return for all of the love you give, all of work you do, all of the little 'things' you do to show him, is indifference, aloofness, dispassion, or even worse, outright rejection?!! Well, trust me, you're not alone!
Your feelings are supported by divorce statistics, ( 40 to 50% of all marriages end in divorce, not death). with the average marriage lasting 8.8 years. In fact, I've heard over and over, those years were 8 years of 'living hell' more times than not! Perhaps even worse, are those marriages where both people 'learn to live with it', however, what they are tolerating is a union that is completely disconnected, sexless, and loveless for the sake of 'the children', 'finances', 'religion', or the opinion of their 'family'. In fact, these marriages may go on 'to death', and the individuals in them 'give up' on any hope of rekindling love, sex, and romance, and don't believe it is possible to stay 'in love' after a number of years!
Long term marriage 'happiness' statistics are even worse than divorce statistics! The prevailing opinion from the American Psychological Association is that the real way to 'happiness' in long term marriages is to 'accept' behaviors that are really 'not acceptable' and 'change their beliefs' about the importance of this factor in the marriage. They even go so far as to say that 'public policy' should be instituted to encourage long term marriage, regardless of the depth and serious overall sense of marital or personal dissatisfaction as the 'solution' to Divorce! They site Norway as an example, where couples are offered 'cash incentives' for the woman to stay home and care for the children, rather than rely on state subsidized child care system for working parents. (http://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2010/02/sci-brief.aspx) Really???
Most woman, just keep 'LOVING" more and more and trying harder and harder, and get NOWHERE! And when they 'give up', most truly give up as in approximately 70% of the cases, it the woman (not the man) who file for divorce. This rate is even higher in states that have 'no fault' divorce, where the percentage of woman (vs men) who file for divorce is 90% !!!
While it's true that some woman will resort to an extra marital affair, men are much more likely to do so. Depending on the statistics you 'believe' affairs occur in 55% to 90% of all marriages! And, if the affair is discovered, most couples 'suffer through' and remain in the marriage, even fewer ever 'get over it'. Which means happiness, love, and sex become a 'thing of the past'. (http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html)
The fact is the 'Giving More and More Love' and trying harder, simply doesn't work for women. Why not? The answer is really pretty simply. In Love Relationship, the woman is truly programmed and biologically wired to RECEIVE LOVE from her man and the man is truly programmed and biologically wired to GIVE LOVE and PROTECT his woman! Just for a minute, think about it....
Isn't it true the real reason us woman 'give and give' love is to RECEIVE IT BACK?
Deep down, we woman actually desire affection, attention, adoration, from our man! We have a deep seated need for love, attention, and affection that is insatiable, which is actually part of our DNA! This is WHY we seek it out by all kinds of ways, doing all kinds of 'things' to try to 'get that' need fulfilled. This is WHY we do things like, get dressed up for a date, concern ourselves with our looks, our age, our weight, try to be 'nice', be a great cook, a good mother, a 'good wife', all because we want to be desirable and attract the love, attention, and affection we WANT and DESIRE. Yet, despite all of these things we DO, it doesn't work! Why?
We must be able to RECEIVE love, and allow our man to GIVE it to us! That is right! We must STOP all this doing of things for him and be totally OPEN to RECEIVE the love, attention, and affection he has to give us!
What most of us do, is give and give and give. Slowly, but surely, we start to let this feeling of RESENTMENT to creep into our thinking. We begin to "think" about just how MUCH we are doing and how LITTLE we are getting. Eventually, this resentment turns into discussions with our man about how he is NOT giving us what we want, need, desire and deserve from him! We then begin to start TELLING him how he needs to do it and what we need! Yet he still - does nothing about it- or worse- reluctantly rolls his eyes and 'attends the ballet' you want to go to, 'books the vacation' you want, all the while - you KNOW he really doesn't want to do and that just makes it worse!
We begin to OBSESS over HIM not meeting our needs. We begin to CRITICIZE him more and more in all sorts of little ways. We wonder whatever happened to the man who 'used to think' we were the best thing since sliced bread! We STUFF our feelings away for as long as we can, then they simply GUSH out at him with more talk of just how INADAQUATELY he is meeting our needs along with DEMANDS and PLANS for him to DO what it will take to meet our needs. Ultimately, we may even begin to 'think' of him as an asshole. Worse, we may begin to believe that all men are assholes and only after one thing- sex. This thinking comes through to a man like a gushing white water rafting river, even though you may NEVER vocalize it! He knows you find him inadaquate to fulfill your desires. Slowly, over time, he withdraws, little by little. As he withdraws, you DO more and more and more, trying to MAKE him see exactly what you need from him. You may even try 'SHOWING' him by trying to GIVE him more love, affectionate, and attention in all the ways YOU WISH he would give it to you! You may buy tickets to his favorite sports game, plan a surprise vacation to a place he said he always wanted to go, yet NONE of this works!
WHY NOT? Anytime we 'DO' for a man we are unconsciously 'MOTHERING" him and a real man does not want another MOTHER! He wants a woman to LOVE. Anytime we TELL a man what he ought to do (even in a nice way) he unconsciously feels EXACTLY how he felt when his mother was telling him what to do! Men do NOT have romantic loving feelings for their mothers!
WHAT DO YOU DO? Nothing, absolutely nothing! DO NOTHING? REALLY? Yes, really. It's much easier and you can relax into doing the things you LOVE to do on your own. IF I DO THAT, I"LL NEVER get the love, affection and attention I want and need- he'll do nothing at all! Actually, the OPPOSITE Is true! He will realize immediately that YOU have softened and created a distance, yet STOPPED critisizing him. and become CURIOUS about you and what you are doing. He will actually seek you out.
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