Managing Manure....
My early morning routine includes feeding my horses and managing my stable housekeeping- which often includes what we horse people call 'mucking out stalls' or in layman's' terms is Shoveling Shit! It is not the most glamorous job, but an absolute requirement if you are in the 'horse business' and/or care for your own horses on your property. Horses consume large quantities of food each day and in summer time, they are happiest if they can graze on lush green pastures all day and night long! Obviously, this creates massive amounts of manure (shit) which needs attending to or you will end up with an awfully yukky smelling barn, yard, and no grass at all.
This morning, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, as I had to do this job myself. My stable help has been sporadic lately and with the added expenses of my husband's care in assisted living, I have been feeling I should cut expenses and do things that I could do 'myself' when prior to his illness, we always had 'done for us'. While horses and riding are clearly 'my passion', shoveling shit is NOT!
As I was cleaning, my mind began to reflect back on my earliest days of doing this nasty task. I was about 6 or 7 years of age and we lived on a very small horse farm of 25 acres in Michigan no less - where winters were frigid cold - and there was no running water in the stable. This meant, each and every day, I was 'required' to haul buckets and buckets of water in my little red wagon from the house to the barn- as well as assist in 'muck the stalls' twice a day. I truly despised these 2 tasks and resented them deeply!
Apart from the fact that it was simply 'hard physical labor', I felt jealousy of my other friends who had their own horses but their parents 'boarded' them. For those of you who don't know much about this, boarding a horse is when you pay a monthly fee and someone else does all the 'dirty work' so to speak for you. Today, I would imagine that the majority of riders and horse owners 'board' their horses as times have changed so significantly. However, back then, this was just beginning to be a trend. In addition, it certainly seemed to me (true or not) that most of my friends that had their horses in their own stable were not asked to haul water buckets or clean stalls. They all seemed to me to be able to do only the 'fun things' with their horses, like playing with them, grooming them, riding them, showing them, etc. Someone else was doing all of the 'dirty work'!
Of course, one day, I complained bitterly to my father about having to do these horrible and difficult chores. I will NEVER forget the conversation that ensued. It went like this;
Father: Do you want to have horses?
Me: 'Of Course! I love my horses!'
Father:: 'Do you want to be able to take lessons and go to horse shows?'
Me: "Yes, Of course! You know I do!'
Father: "Well baby girl, here is the thing, no matter what it is you LOVE in your life, there will always be a little manure involved. For us, we can't afford the horses, the lessons, or the horse shows unless we do this 'dirty work' ourselves. If you no longer wish to help and assist in doing the dirty work, that is okay, but we won't be able to afford to do the lessons and showing. So- it's up to you.'
As I worked in my stable this morning, I remembered that conversation that took place more than 50 years ago. I realized that there is some 'shit' in everything we do, including those things we LOVE doing. I also realized that more often than not, if we can 'avoid doing it' by paying someone else or by putting it off (procrastinating) we probably will do that- if we can. However, when it comes right down to it, we either have to do the hard - shitty feeling work- in order to get or keep what we LOVE happening in our lives.
As a result of my husband's illness over the several years, well, I've been through lots of 'shit' and for quite awhile- I blamed him and the illness for so many of my troubles and travails. Until I 'Woke Up' one day and truly 'smelled the shit' I had left unattended to. Well, I couldn't help it. It had piled up so high that it really seemed insurmountable! I had allowed myself the fall into the pits of self-pity and I was looking to the OUTSIDE world as well as OTHERS to SAVE ME or SOLVE my problems! Wow! It was a harsh, harsh, awakening.
I realized that I had spent so many years telling myself, 'I don't need a man for (fill in the blank here) really anything.' Yet, I always 'wanted' a man. In fact, I secretly wanted a 'knight in shinning armor' to save me- take me away 'from it all' - which of course NEVER really happened. Even though I put on this 'tough' exterior' about men, inside of myself I was terrified of that feeling of need and desire.
I have realized over the years, marriage after marriage, relationship after relationship with men, that I simply became more and more terrified and insecure when it came to my desires for a man and a relationship. My relationship with my husband (who has been my longest term relationship of 18 years) was blissful, wonderful, and satisfying. However, I always believed it was because of HIM, not ME. He simply cherished me and quite frankly, no matter what I did, I could do no wrong. At first, I was suspicious of this unmitigated and complete unconditional Love- however, quite frankly, I eventually got quite used to it, basked in it, and if I am honest with myself probably took it for granted.
Then, when we learned he had Dementia - I got pissed off. As the dementia progress, this unconditional love disappeared right along with my husband- the man I married and once knew. Of course, he has no choice in the matter and I am constantly having to remind myself of this!
As I was working through the stalls, I really allowed myself to feel all these feelings I've been avoiding. The whole mess of these feelings, including, the resentment, the fear, the loss, the anger and rage, the hurt, the sense of loss, and yet still my love for him- not as he is now- but as he was before the illness. It was an incredibly powerful experience. In fact, I mucked away without even realizing I was cleaning up the shit. I mucked with a vengence! Those darn stalls and my stable are probably the cleanest they've been in a while!
I realized that - well- in many respects- this is what inner work is about! Nobody 'wants' to do it. It often may feel scary, sucky, and shitty! (Not always) I also realized that we have to do it in order to get what we want into our lives. If we don't thinks will simply build up and get a stinkier and stinkier. We can try to 'dress it up', 'put on the perfume', but you can try to dress up a pig all you want- at the end of the day- a pig is still a pig.
The good news is- facing up to the inner work is really much much easier than you think! In fact, by the time I was finished with my stable this morning, I realized just how refreshed and relieved I felt. Of course, I had been multitasking- so not only did I end up with a very nice, clean stable (which felt great)- I also came away with this wonderful freeing realization that I can do this inner work. I have the tools right at my finger tips to work through this particular time and that alone felt wonderful.
You have the very same tools available to you.
Comments