Whose Bed Is It?

Do you have children, grandchildren, or pets....and a romantic partner you sleep with on a regular basis....and you are finding your sex life is ...well...less than satisfactory.. and wondering why?

If it seems as if your sex life which was once exciting and fulfilling, but for reasons that escape you, is suddenly close to nonexistent, and you are wondering if your partner is having an affair, you just may be wrong!

When your sex life becomes - less than satisfactory- and you find yourself saying (inside your head) phew - I'm glad it was becoming 'too much' anyway (even if you suspect he's having an affair), BEWARE. Your marriage or partnership is AT RISK. While most men will almost NEVER leave their women, EVENTUALLY, most of them will 'STRAY', when they are not having their sexual and intimacy needs met by you. More and more woman will stray as well today! The difference is, woman WILL leave their partners at a much higher rate than men.

Regardless of whether or not they leave or stay, unless you fix the fundamental underlying reasons for the intimacy and sexual slow death, your marriage or committed relationship will NOT be happy and fulfilling. Intimacy and sex are key ingredients to a happy and fulfilling relationship for BOTH men and women. Without it, people become 'roommates' and 'go through the motions' for a myriad of reasons- non of which create a happy and fulfilling relationship, no matter how much justification each person has come up with.

I know, I've been there, and it feels HORRIBLE! Here is a little quiz for you to take to see if you may have unwittingly fallen prey to the pathway to of a SEX FREE life!

1. Are your children or grandchildren sleeping in your bed at night on a regular basis?

2. Are you children bathing or using your private bathroom on a regular basis?

2. Are your pets sleeping, either in your bed or on the floor, on a regular basis?

3. Do you watch TV in your bedroom?

4. Is your bedroom a mess?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, than you are either already on the path to a sexless relationship, or you are already there! Not to worry though, you can fix this problem almost immediately and with instant results so you can have the fulfilling intimacy and sex life you deserve and desire! I know as I've been there!

The fix is so SIMPLE and EASY, you will be astounded! Simply create an INTIMACY ZONE for yourself and your partner that includes your private bedroom and bathroom if it is attached to your bedroom. There are a few simple rules to follow in creating this space (use your creativity and personal styles); No visitors (except a housekeeper if you have one), no pets or animals of any kind, no television, and keep it clean, neat, and an INVITATION to INSPIRE intimacy on a daily basis.

Here is what happened to me. After my second child was born, I became totally and happily immersed in the love and care of our baby. I was dead tired at the end of each day and I did not 'feel' I was getting the assistance I wanted from my husband. Our baby was in the bedroom for the first few weeks and then moved into the bedroom next door. Our sex life (but not intimacy) resumed within 6 weeks or so, and soon, I was pregnant again! I found myself feeling miserable and over worked and I BLAMED (silently as well as openly) my husband for not doing more to help me.or to what I felt 'should be done' to keep the house neat and clean as well as keep the children 'happy'. So, I simply began to 'over function', meaning 'picked up the slack'. This caused me to feel more and more resentful towards him! Oddly, the greater my resentment, the MORE I over functioned! It became a vicious circle! I felt as if I couldn't get off this fast spinning merry-go-round which was NOT any fun at all!

I soon began to actually feel 'repelled' by any advances he made. In the meantime, I could have answered YES to all of the four questions in our quiz. I NEVER gave it a thought! I believed that the reason for my lack of desire for sex or intimacy with him, was HIS FAULT and I had nothing to do with the problem!

Well, after about 10 years of marriage, we divorced. I NEVER once gave it a thought and was feeling relieved to get out of a sexless marriage to an ASSHOLE! Yet, soon thereafter, I remarried a lovely man and truly believed this was going to be 'IT" - finally a man who was responsible, had similar standards of living, same church, and a son. We blended our families and truly took great pains and I felt we had great awareness due to our earlier marriages and mistakes. We had a wonderful sex life...in the beginning. Then, the entire nightmare began to repeat itself! He received a major promotion with a new company required him to travel about 2 weeks a month all over the world. I agreed to 'the added responsibilities' that would naturally come about. Off he went. While there were many other issues that we had not really resolved, I again became resentful that he was NOT doing 'his fair share' of the household and child rearing responsibilities- even though I had 'agreed to it'!

I began to fall into the same old trap as I had with my first husband, I began to 'OVER FUNCTION' in order to 'get things done' the so called 'RIGHT WAY' and I openly began to criticize him for FAILING to either help me at all or when he did, do it 'THE WAY I WANTED IT DONE'! I began to get lazy and let the kids sleep with me (he wasn't there), let the dogs in the room and sleep on the floor, I dragged the TV into our bedroom so I wouldn't fall asleep on the couch, and the room was more often a mess than not. It wasn't even a nice space for ME to be alone in! Well, predictably, I lost interest in having sex with him. Our sex life slowly waned and I learned he was going to strip clubs, watching porn, and I suspected he was fooling around when he traveled! I was devastated and angry at HIM! Again, it was all his fault! I BLAMED him entirely for our problems with intimacy.

After 7 years of this, we divorced and I really began to question whether or not I even wanted or needed to have 'sex'. I had all of my children, 4 by then, and they filled my life up quite nicely, I was economically stable, so I actually began to ask myself if I even 'needed' a man. Then, my current husband showed up. I was immediately attracted to him as I'd never been, but I was afraid and lacked trust in my judgments where men and sexual attraction were concerned. I did NOT want to go through another painful mistake, nor did I want to put my children through such a thing again!

Fortunately for me, he was very patient, kind, and loving. He was a great communicator and as a result we were able to openly and freely discuss many delicate and difficult topics. He was a great listener, so he allowed me to go on and on until I was 'finished' with any issue or topic and he had a super memory so he was able to actually 'hear' me- even though I was NOT the best or clearest communicator. At that time, I was beginning to deal with the early stages of adolescent sexuality with my boys, and I realized how uncomfortable this was for me. So, I began researching and studying everything I could get my hands on related to human sexuality. I was totally committed to helping my children understand their own sexuality and present the topics and issues in a 'positive' way as opposed to the more negative way I had been raised. I believed that my negative or rather lack of any real substantive discussions with my parents about my own sexuality was probably responsible for the 'lack of sexual desire' for my EX- husbands than anything else. Then, I learned just how WRONG I was. Once I knew how to fix it, and I did fix it, I NEVER lost sexual desire for my husband again.

It didn't take years of therapy, (although I tried that) it didn't take a sex therapist, a sex tape, a sex book, it was all about ME! I immediately took responsibility for my own sexual and sensual responses and behaviors. I created the SECRET INTIMACY ZONES around myself and certain 'hands off' spaces' in our home and like MAGIC, I became more sensual, I received more attention, and intimacy than every before in my life from my husband. I even began to 'sense' the attention of other men as well because of these little shifts in my behaviors and thoughts I was attracting lots of handsome men! It was amazing. If I can do this, you can do.

First, let's chat about children or grandchildren- any 'kids' you have sleeping over on a regular basis. It is so EASY to fall into the trap of putting the children ahead of the relationship from the second they are brought into the world. Many reasons compel us to do this, not the least of which they are completely adorable, helpless little beings that we simply shower with love and affection. In addition, once we 'have them', they completely change our entire lives! They pretty much 'take over' what we 'used to do on a daily and nightly basis and very soon, we realize this may seem as if it will never change! Many people bring the baby crib right into the bedroom the day baby comes home from the hospital (despite all the technology that allows you see and hear every word from the room next door) and quite often all 'bedroom' talk with your partner unwittingly becomes 'baby talk'. In fact, your private bathroom becomes filled with children's toys, toothbrushes, and the talk between you and your partner that takes place becomes about 'potty training'! Neither of these foster intimacy and sex! In fact, it literally KILLS IT and it also dampens if not drowns out any 'feelings' for intimacy or sex. Who wants to have sex with a baby or child in the room? Well, not too many people!

Are pets any different? NO! Pets are more often than not treated like members of the family and in some cases not just allowed in the bedroom, but invited into the bed! I can't tell you how many men and women I've counseled over the years who have confided that this 'little thing' has KILLED their desire for their spouse or partner! And no matter how many times they've requested the animal NOT be allowed in the bed or room at night, they are refused! Often times, pets are unconsciously 'used' as surrogate intimates. They replace a lost partner, or child. They fulfill the desire to have a close intimate relationship, when one does not seem to appear. Yet, in most cases, some people are simply 'pet people' and the love animals and love their pets. Actually, there is NOTHING wrong with any of those reasons. However, when you have an intimate relationship, a pet is not much different than a child. (Perhaps easier and less expensive) and should be considered so.

I've had cases where one partner absolutely does NOT want any pet, and yet, the other partner 'gets one anyway'. Why this may be 'ok' , if it was negotiated and agreed upon, it will NEVER be okay to insist that animal become part of your 'INTIMACY ZONE"!

In fact, even when both partners love animals, it is DANGEROUS to allow them into your INTIMACY ZONE! Do so at the risk of your intimacy with your partner!

Make your bedroom and private bath an 'INTIMACY CAVE' that is 'off limits' to anyone, except your housekeeper!